What surprises me the most is how so many people are so diligent about coming into the store to buy their beauty products even during the worst storms of the century. Because you gotta have priorities right?
Let me set the scene for you; it's 8:30 p.m., the wind is howling at a meager 48 mph (it was actually probably closer to sixty but my number six key is broken on my keyboard, don't ask, just know I no longer allow myself to drink coffee whilst blogging). Anyway, the wind is howling, the lighting is illuminating the sky and the thunder is literally making the windows shake. The huge 8ft. tall windows that I am standing directly next to are shaking. Oh, and the icing on the cake, we are under not only a severe thunderstorm warning but also a tornado warning. A TORNADO WARNING, like, go someplace safe, under stairs or in a bathroom or something TORNADO is coming to take you to OZ warning. Then she walks in.
She couldn't have been a day past sixty in her flowered sun dress and wait for it....straw hat.
In a thunderstorm. So, she comes in and I greet her,
"Great weather huh?" (yes, I am so original.)
"You know, I was actually looking for, well, do you have hair pins?"
"We do! They are right over.."
"No, I mean, do you sell individual hair pins?"
"Like just one hair pin? No, I am sorry, we don't"
(Mind you, a pack of hair pins is only about $1.99 for like 40 of them.)
"Well, I really need a hair pin, you know, to hold my hat on."
I am biting my tongue wondering why the hell this woman needs a straw hat, at 8:30 at night, during tornado weather, but hey, I will play along.
"Yeah, I'm sorry, we don't."
"Well, do you have a hair pin?"
"Do you mean do I have my own hair pin?"
"Yeah, do you have an extra?"
"Hmm, yeah, sorry, fresh out."
"That's too bad. Well, would you mind if I looked around on the floor to see if anyone dropped one?"
....
....
No not at all, you CRACKHEAD feel free to crawl around on my floor to search for a used hair pin. Are you seriously dry humping me right now? Jesus fuck all.
"Actually ma'am, I am sorry, I just can't have you crawling around on my floor."
"Oh... ok. You know, the guy at the dollar store at the end of the mall accused me of trying to steal a candle."
Really, can't imagine why.
"He did. That's horrible" (that's the part where I act like I care.)
"Yeah, why would I steal a candle, I mean it's only a dollar."
I can't for the life of me imagine why he would assume that. Were you crawling on the floor with the candle? Looking for more candles perhaps?
"That's too bad, I am sorry."
"Its ok, hey do you mind if I dump my bag out on your counter to look for a hair pin?"
"Be my guest."
She then proceeds to heft her giant tote bag on to the counter and this is what she pulls out; 3 bras with tags still attached, 2 bags of prescription medication, 17 miscellaneous makeup "things", a screwdriver, an inhaler, a makeshift wallet sort of thing, 1800 pieces of paper and an umbrella. Oh, and 2 candles.
I wanted to say, really ma'am, I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone would be suspicious of you.
What I really said...nothing, I was too intrigued by the fact that she had 3 bras, with tags attached in her purse. I mean, I am known to carry things that may come in handy like chap stick. Or sunscreen. Tampons? Possibly dental floss. But what are you really doing during the day that requires you to carry extra bras? Extra brand new bras? With the tags. I don't get it. Are you lactating? At sixty? Because that's impressive.
"Well, I don't seem to have a hair pin."
Really, because clearly you have everything else.
"I'm sorry, that's so frustrating"
"Yeah, well, the boy that accused me of stealing, you know what I said to him?"
"What?"
"I invited him to my church."
That's when I kicked her ass out.
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